Today began as any other. I soothed my humans with my cute demeanor and snuggled with them while they slept. While it appears that I enjoy this “snuggly wuggle” time, I use it to regenerate, rest and plan my day. The stupid humans think I’m just so cute. Drives me insane. Here I am protecting them and all they can do is coo and goo at my cuteness. I’ll admit that I’m quite adorable, but this mission is so below my skill level. It’s enough to drive me mad.
“yes, yes, I’ll let you rub my belly” ok, perhaps it could be worse. But… back to the task at hand. After “snuggle time” I reported to my post in the small humans room. From this vantage point I can see most of the neighborhood. Look at the stupid humans. Coming and going as if nothing is wrong. I bark at them to try to get a warning but my human family gets fussy about all the “yipping”. Imbeciles. They have no idea how vital my monitoring is to the overall mission. I take detailed notes:
6:15 Neighbors cat walks to drainage ditch – I’m convinced he is working or the other side. I know an agent when I see one. I growl and try to address him, but he stares and proceeds. What a joke.
6:18 Neighbor 3 gets in car presumably to go to work. Such robots these humans
6:40 Spend 20 minutes tugging a rope with my brother. He enjoys it so. I would be lying if I didn’t find some pleasure in this meaningless play.
7:00 the female human leaves for work. I almost manage to escape my confines of the house, but she is quicker than she looks. I will attempt escape at a later time.
7:10-9:00 I investigate the backyard for any unusual occurrences. I’ve been monitoring what I fear are spies that have taken up residence in the old grill. They have built a nest right outside of the windows and are able to hear all that goes on in the house. At this point, I see no imminent danger, but I will continue to monitor closely. Neighbor 1 leaves for work. Again I try in vain to warn him of potential dangers, but he continues on. Perhaps he doesn’t speak the language of my people. It’s so frustrating,
I watched closely as the mail truck approached and departed. Along with several other deliveries for the neighborhood. I bark my warning to them, but they seem unoffended. Nothing new.
One of the humans left a broom in the corner unattended. I have no other choice but to bark at it. Someone has to show these objects who is boss.
The rest of the morning is spent napping in cute positions. This is a vital part of my disguise. Plus when I lay on my back, my belly is exposed for rubbing at the human’s pleasure.
After a lunch of what I can only describe as gruel, I take post in the window again to monitor the neighborhood.
Lots of mowing, walking, driving…. The usual activity of the drool human existence. Again, the neighborhood cats torment me. They freely walk by acting as though they are interested in nothing. I know better. That’s right… pretend to dig in the flowerbed… continue on…. I’ll just be here watching.
Then I saw it. I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. I was just considering a nap, because being adorable is just exhausting, when he appeared. Disguised as a squirrel. Filthy rats with fluffy tails. Fitting for a traitor like Ivan. He was perched on a small branch just outside the window. I announced my disgust at his presence and was promptly “shushed” by my humans. How can they not see this abomination….. I looked back, and he was gone. UUUGGGHHH!!!!! Missed opportunity.
I make detailed notes of the incident and continue monitoring the neighborhood.
Soon squirrel. Soon.